oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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