Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
