I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
