Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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