my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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