And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
