You just made me feel so damn special
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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