i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
