so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
