i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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