I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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