I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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