8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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