Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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