Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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