Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
