It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
