i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
