I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw