have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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