i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
