just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
