even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
