so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
