I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.