Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
