I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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