I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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