3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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