i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
