I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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