i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And the cops told us we were all naked.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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