I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
