I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
