And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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