eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
