I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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