So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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