I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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