1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
