you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
