I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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