I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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