my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I AM VODKA MAN
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
