My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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