I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
