yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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