She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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