remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
