You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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