I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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