oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
