Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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