Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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