The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
